plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
