my phone needs a breathalizer
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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