dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The power of my boobs compel you
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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