i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Are my feet made of real feet?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
