went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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