this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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