Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
