Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I need water and some morals
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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