too bad you live with your parents still
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
