im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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