called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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