He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i would punch a child for taco bell
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
