I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He had one of those small greek statue penises
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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