I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
