u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I touched a dick in church today
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
