my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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