She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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