when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
