I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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