I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
