I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
