I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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