i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
