Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
