We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I love you.
Bad choice
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