Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize