I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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