Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
