she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
