the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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