I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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