I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
