I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
