Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
