Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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