There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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