I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
