Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
