my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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