Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We left the knife in your bed.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
