Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
