Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
