but the lizard people decide everything anyway
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
