I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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