oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
