My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
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