Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
