saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
