Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
