In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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