I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize