You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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