My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He did a backflip because drugs
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