but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
