I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
