Sry I called you an 8
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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