Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
