If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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