when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
